Wednesday, February 25, 2009
'It was nice meeting you. thanks for taking 1/2 hour outta your day to meet me. I don't think we're a match, but good luck to you.
Let's get one thing very clear right off the bat: I do NOT date.
I've always thought honesty was the best policy. Yes, easier said than done. But it's all about... discipline. Why do I get up every single Sat. and Sun. morning to run thru Golden Gate Park and back? Yes, to stay in shape, but it also has a lot to do with discipline. I've been doing in every Sat. and Sun. for about 13 years now. And it never gets easier. And it's easy to make excuses NOT to do it. And I look good, but it's rough and painful. But I do it and I do it because of discipline.
I sort of view dating as the same thing. I mean, you meet someone, there may be chemistry, you exchange numbers with the possibility of getting together at some point for coffee... or a drink... or if you're really a glutton for punishment, dinner.
I say set up a quick little face-to-face for a cup of coffee. Well, okay, tea (I don't drink coffee). Maybe a drink, but only one. You don't wanna reveal too much too soon. 30 minutes, max. If it is going well, you gauge how much more time you wanna spend together. But my favourite saying is, 'Always leave 'em wanting more.'
You meet, you either get along or you don't. You're either attracted to each other or you're not. You're either attracted to him and he's not or vice versa. Me, I can usually tell if someone's attracted to me or not. There's body language, there's looks, there's a... sense. But some guys are really good at foolin' ya.
I once met a guy thru the Personals. We'll call him Matt. Matt's ad said he was ' a great conversationalist.' Matt persistently contacted me while I was in NY on a visit and I eventually set a date and time to meet when I was back in SF. Matt said he might be a tad late because he'd be coming from the gym.
He showed up almost 30 minutes late, scoffed at the fact that I'd already ordered my tea before he got there (!?!), blatantly looked me up and down and said, "You're not at all like your pictures. You're hair's longer."
I sensed he was a little drunk. And he obviously did not come from the gym (if by 'gym,' he meant 'the bar'). He was hiccuping-!?!
I tried to be light and friendly and witty and fun, but he was confrontational, angry, and contradicted me every chance he got. Nothing I said was right or smart or good enough for him. And the hiccuping-!?! I finally said, "Matt, it's clear that this is not a match. it's clear that you want to be anywhere else but right here right now. And after 5 minutes with you, I feel exactly the same. I'm going to go, okay? But before I do, I just want you to know that THIS right here - this is 15 minutes out of your life. Whether you like me or not, would it really kill you to just be nice??? You don't have to be attracted to me, you don't even have to like me, but I deserve to be treated nicely. I'm going to go and I'd like to say it was nice meeting you, but I would be LYING."
And I grabbed my backpack and I left.
Obviously that type of meeting doesn't happen all the time (apparently only on MY blind dates-!?!), but I handled myself well. I thought.
A great conversationalist? HUH?
Anyway, I've been on many a fun date and hoped to hear again from the guy and... never have.
My best friend Kevin called me once from NY all upset - saying how he'd gone on this great date with this guy, that they'd had so much fun, agreed they'd both like to get together again... and Kevin called him the next day to leave a message to say what a nice time he'd had with him.
And never heard back from the guy.
Kevin's next question broke my heart: "What did I do wrong?"
and then he added, "I should've waited to call him."
Kevin, you didn't do anything wrong. Having a fun time with someone on a date and calling them the next day to TELL them how much fun you had is a wonderful, sweet gesture. It's the guy's problem if he can't deal with that.
There are no rules. "You gotta wait two or three days before you call someone back or they'll think you're desperate."
I'm so sure. If you wanna call someone, call 'em. And if they get all bent or scared or whatever, it has absolutely nothing to do with you. 90% of the time, it's their own issues... or insecurities.
If I go out on a date with someone, I expect them to be nice (obviously) and I expect them to be honest. If they don't feel that there's a connection, tell me. I'm definitely going to do the same. Don't say, "I'll call you" if you don't mean it. It hurts more NOT HEARING FROM SOMEONE than it does to just be upfront and honest right away. If you say, 'Yes... let's get together again." and you don't have any intention of calling them back 'to let 'em down easily' or whatever, they're gonna think you DO wanna see 'em again and they're gonna hurt when you DON'T call 'em. And it hurts a lot. We all have gone through that.
Communication is hard, yes. But be disciplined. Practice it. It'll do everyone good in the long run.